Let’s talk about self-esteem. I know when I hear someone say “self-esteem” I immediately flash back to my high school self. I was a short, chubby, brown girl with acne in a school filled with petite, blonde, blue-eyed girls that looked like they had stepped out of the pages of Seventeen magazine. If someone had asked me at that time if I had good self-esteem, I would have answered with an emphatic “No!”. I felt terrible about the way that I looked and I was painfully awkward. But, in reality my self-esteem wasn’t all that bad. I had a very strong belief in who I was as a person and I was confident in my intelligence and my ability to succeed at many things. At its core, self-esteem is how much you value yourself. It’s not just about having confidence here and there—it’s about your overall sense of worth. The way you see yourself can impact everything, from how you tackle challenges to how you connect with others. The good news? Self-esteem isn’t set in stone. You can build it up, one step at a time.
Where Does Self-Esteem Come From?
Your self-esteem starts forming way back in childhood. If you had parents or caregivers who encouraged you and recognized your efforts, chances are, you grew up with a stronger sense of self-worth. On the flip side, constant criticism or neglect can leave lasting dents. I have worked with children for many years and, anecdotally, I can say that you can really tell which kids are going to grow up and have a healthy level of self-esteem. The kids that are allowed to try things on their own and make mistakes without undue criticism are happier and more confident; they are primed for a life of healthy self-esteem. On the other hand, the kids that aren’t allowed to do things for themselves or are criticized for trying new things and failing are noticeably less confident.
Even as adults, self-esteem doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it’s shaped by what’s happening around us. Social media, for instance, can be a self-esteem minefield. Ever find yourself scrolling through perfect vacation photos or career wins and suddenly feel like you’re falling short? That’s the comparison trap, and it’s something many of us deal with. When I was a new mom I would find myself scrolling through social media and seeing post after post of put together, smiling women with their perfectly cherubic, giggling babies and feel a deep sense of inadequacy. This was compounded by intense sleep deprivation as well as postpartum depression. My oldest son was a wonderful, beautiful baby, but he cried a lot and was constantly spitting up. We found out later that he had a hernia and some other issues that were making him very uncomfortable. But, during those sleepless nights of scrolling, all I could think was that I must be a terrible mother. “Look at these other women, they and their babies are so happy!” Obviously there was something wrong with me.
How to Spot Low vs. Healthy Self-Esteem
Sometimes, it’s easy to recognize when your self-esteem needs a little boost. Low self-esteem might show up as thoughts like, “I’m just not good enough,” or avoiding opportunities because you’re afraid to fail. Maybe you’ve hesitated to speak up in a meeting or passed on a promotion, even though deep down, you knew you could do it.
On the other hand, someone with healthy self-esteem sees their worth, even when things don’t go perfectly. They’re willing to try new things, embrace mistakes, and move forward. Their sense of self-esteem or self-worth is not tied to the end result or to doing things perfectly; it is tied to the belief that they can learn and figure out how to do new things. Picture this: starting a new hobby and loving the process, even if you’re not great at it right away—that’s what healthy self-esteem looks like in action.
Simple Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem
If you’re feeling like your self-esteem could use a little lift, here are a few ideas to try:
1. Start with Positive Affirmations: Think of these as little reminders to yourself. Replace negative thoughts with phrases like, “I am enough,” or “I can handle this.” At first, it might feel awkward, but over time, these affirmations will rewire your thinking.
2. Celebrate Your Wins (Big and Small): It’s easy to brush off small achievements, but they matter. Did you finally fold that laundry mountain? Celebrate it! These little victories add up and remind you of what you’re capable. This also serves to teach yourself that you are a person that can be counted on to follow through. Every time that you say that you are going to do something and then you do it, you are building belief in your ability to achieve your goals.
3. Be Kind to Yourself: When things don’t go as planned, resist the urge to be your harshest critic. Instead, treat yourself like you would a close friend. A simple shift from “I failed” to “I learned something” can make all the difference. C.A. taught all of our kids “Keep trying and you’ll always win”. This detaches the notion of confidence from achievement. As long as you are trying, you are learning, and that is always a win!
Building self-esteem is a journey that involves small, consistent efforts. It’s about being kinder to yourself and recognizing your value. Start with one strategy today, whether it’s listening to a Mental Impressions affirmation recording or jotting down a small win, and see how it gradually shapes your outlook. Remember, improving self-esteem doesn’t happen overnight, but the positive changes it brings to your life are well worth the effort.